happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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