So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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