Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
