i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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