I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
