when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
