If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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