I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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