i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
