What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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