I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
