Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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