Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
