If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
