So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
