Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
