i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
