The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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