PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
