i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
