i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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