9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
