apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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