a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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