so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
