I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
