I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
