was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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