My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
