Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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