what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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