I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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