im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
