just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
