Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
This house was built for laser tag.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
