Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
