at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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