you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
