oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
