Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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