he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
