I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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