he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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