Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
