forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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