Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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