$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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