do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
