Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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