You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
