Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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