I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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