I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
