are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
