Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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