I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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