come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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