it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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