Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
