My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
