I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
